Why you’re stuck in the friend zone


When I was in high school, I had a friend, Andre, who followed me around like a puppy. I hung out with him because we shared the same interest in music and he always had weed. (Full disclosure: I was a bit of a screwed up teenager.)  He hung out with me because he was clearly in love with me.

If I’d asked him to steal something for me, he would of and I’m pretty sure at one time or another he actually did.

I had zero physical attraction to Andre – not because he was ugly, but because he had no spine. He was too afraid to make a move on me and too much of a wuss to admit that I was using him and cut me off.  Instead, I told him all my guy problems while he listened dutifully and rolled me another joint. I’m sure he hated it.

Although the term hadn’t been invented yet, it was a classic case of being friend zoned.

Being friend zoned is like being emotionally booty called.

When someone friend zones you, they are using you: plain and simple.

I’m not talking about two people who just met and are taking it slow to see where a relationship goes or about friends with benefits where both parties are honestly and openly down with the arrangement. Being friend zoned is also not when one person wants more from the other and the other person is completely clueless about this. If you’ve never made your intentions clear, how can the other person know what you want from them? (That said, women are usually – but not always – exceptional at reading the signs.)

I’m talking about one person wanting more from the other and the other person knowing full well what the other person wants and continuing the relationship as it is to feed their ego, assuage their loneliness, get free weed or whatever.

You can’t blame this entirely on the taker. If people feel like they need something and it is offered they will usually take it – especially if it makes them feel good. It is just as much, if not more so, the fault of the giver.

The reason you get friend zoned is because you let yourself be friend zoned.

You do it to yourself by:

  1. Not clearly expressing your intentions to be more than friends.
  2. Not cutting her off if she doesn’t want to be more than friends and you do.

In short, you get friend zoned because you don’t man up and tell her, in the most direct yet respectful terms possible that you think she is incredibly sexy and you want to be more than friends.   Here’s the deal:

Women love confident men.

Nothing is sexier to a woman than confidence. Women also love to be desired. When a man she feels safe around, expresses his desire for her in a confident way, it makes her see him in a differently light. It takes him out of the friend zone.

Will she always be into him if he does this? No. People have different criteria for what they look for and not everyone will always meet their standards. But it will make her see him in a different way, and even if he is not for her, it will show her that he has self-respect, and this in turn will earn her respect.

If you desire a woman, acting like her friend will get you friendship: nothing more. If you want more, be a man and tell and her what you want.

If she still says “I just like you as a friend,” say, “I can’t accept that. Sorry.” and walk away.  That’s it.

She may reconsider. She may not. If she doesn’t, you haven’t lost anything but an empty fantasy. Either way you’ve gained some self-respect.

One thought on “Why you’re stuck in the friend zone

  • July 20, 2016 at 2:33 am

    For several years, I was the “nice guy” who listened to women I wanted to go out with tell me how poorly their boyfriends treated them. Your column has opened my eyes and given me the insights and knowledge required to leave that dreaded “friend zone”.


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